After the Pain
If you know me, you know I LOVE Betty Wright. “After the Pain” is one of my karaoke staples and is always a crowd-pleaser, even though I vehemently disagree with the whole idea of women enduring years of pain and suffering from a partner in order to finally get the love they deserve.
Anyway, in Betty’s own words, here’s what the song is about:
“Well I couldn’t resist the urge to tell you the end of my story, for all those who wanted to know, ‘was there life after the pain?’
”
For Betty, the answer was yes, but only if you’re willing to accept the fact that “Mr. Charlie is just a man and he’s doing the best he can.” A.K.A. if you’re willing to accept that the behavior won’t change, even after the apology.
Here we go.
My last post sparked some introspection and got me thinking, what happens when we’ve received an apology, but the behavior never changed? In my 28 years, I’ve received and given more apologies than I’d like to admit. Actually, I haven’t given that many because I’m rarely wrong, but that’s another topic for another day. Anyway, out of all the apologies I’ve received, I’ve rarely witnessed a change of behavior as a result, and it’s been frustrating to say the least.
Over the past couple of months, it’s also become painstakingly clear how self-aware most people are. To some people, that may be a refreshing revelation. To me, it feels like I’ve been gaslighted. Imagine going years thinking something is not right or that you are deserving of an apology, never getting it and questioning whether or not you’re crazy for feeling the way you do about it, and then years later finally receiving some admission of fault/guilt. Are you supposed to be relieved all of a sudden?
Without going into too much detail, about a month ago my mom brought up a situation from my teenage years where she said, “from that point, I think my daughters have looked at me as a weak woman.” Not an apology per se, but certainly an admission to being aware of how I’ve been feeling since then.
I’ve never talked to her about that incident. I probably brought it up in a therapy session, and it’s definitely come up with anyone I’ve dated and has seen me with my edges wrapped in a scarf at night (although they might not remember) – but I’ve never explicitly mentioned this incident from over a decade ago with my mother. It was true though, from that moment, I did think she was “weak,” especially when it came to romantic relationships, and ever since then I’ve tried my hardest not to be.
Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago when I posted “You Owe Me an Apology.” Apparently, my brother told my dad about this little baby blog of mine, and after texting me about it from his flip phone (yes, my dad has a flip phone and for some reason inserts random spaces throughout his messages), I received some pseudo apology.
No Kanye, but here’s the screenshot:
I’m guessing after seeing the words, “You Owe Me an Apology” he immediately assumed I was writing about my relationship with him. Obviously that wasn’t the case, but I couldn’t help but wonder how he could be so aware of his shortcomings, yet still be in the same predicament? The same goes for my mom. How could she be so aware of a decision she made that shaped the way I viewed her, and not do everything in her power to be a better example of a “strong” woman instead?
So, what do you do with apologies and acknowledgments that are literally a decade too late and missing the most important component, changed behavior? In friendships and romantic relationships, I’m pretty solid when it comes to setting clear expectations and gracefully bowing out when they aren’t being met. But with parents, it’s a little different.
Do I take heed to Betty’s advice and “don’t blame Mr. (and Mrs.) Charlie, because Mr. (and Mrs.) Charlie are just a man (and woman) doing the best he (and she) can?”
OR
Stick with my mantra for all other relationships: Give me what I want or leave me alone.
I haven’t figured out the answer to that yet, but this has been on my heart for a couple of weeks. I tried my hardest not to make this blog a journal, or too personal, but here we are.
Editors Note:
Who am I kidding? I’m the only editor and writer here.
I let my mom read this before publishing and I couldn’t help but think of the “Tonight is the Night” reference when Betty Wright talks about playing the song for her mama:
“Uhh, I like the music. You know, baby, the melody, it’s really nice but I KNOW YOU’RE NOT GONNA SING THAT SONG!”
but we literally eased it right on by, yes we did.
Thank you for your support mom.
Sources:
To listen to After the Pain: click here
To listen to Tonight is the night: click here
