How to Survive a Company Potluck
With fall comes cool breezes, colorful leaves, pumpkin flavored things, and…company potlucks.
I remember starting one of my first real jobs around the holiday season and hearing rumors of everyone calling in with food poisoning the day after the potluck from the year before. That was enough to keep me away from potlucks for the remainder of my life.
That, AND the fact that some pet owners don’t establish boundaries with their fur babies.
Here are two BASIC rules though:
1. No pets allowed in the kitchen around your food
2. Pets should not kiss you in the mouth
Because those two rules are foreign concepts to people I’ve had the pleasure of working with, I have created a proof step-by-step guide to surviving company potlucks.
Step 1:
Signup early. As a Black woman, I don’t really have the luxury of not participating, because then I’m not a team player, or even worse, I have an attitude problem.
Fine.
Sign up and buy something cheap that everyone likes. I usually go for cookies, and no, not homemade…those are for the house.
These will do:
Step 2:
Pretend you are way more health-conscious than you actually are.
I meal-prep during the week because it is good for my body and it’s also good for my bank account. But mostly my bank account. (Another day, another 75cents compared to male counterparts, amirite?)
My coworkers don’t know this though. For all they know, I’m training for a fitness competition, drinking a gallon of water a day, and enjoying my fancy af coffee from my French press because I bought in to one of those multi-level-marketing pyramid schemes selling coffee that makes fat “melt.”
So, bring your own food and avoid the dog-hair ridden casserole from Susan.
Step 3:
Show up early.
This is a great rule for life in general. Showing up early means you can leave early! Plus, more time to enjoy your personal food (sans pet hair) and avoid talking to people.
During this time, grab a few of the things you contributed and pile it on a plate. Then, add some individually packaged food other people brought to buff your plate up a bit.
Also — small talk is important, but who actually enjoys it? Since you’re early and have some time to waste, sprinkle in questions like, “Who made the potato salad?” and laugh to yourself because only black people would get that. It’s the little things that help us survive too.
Happy Holidays!
