Ease
Last year was hard as shit.
Although, I checked a lot of things off my list of goals for 2018 (8 out of 9 to be exact!), it didn’t come without a lot of flat out misery.
I Traveled!
January: NYC
March: Mabank
April: DC
May: Mexico City
June: Vegas
July: Puerto Vallarta
October: Florida and Austin
November: New Orleans
December: Colorado
I began writing more, and updated this here blog.
I picked up more freelance work.
I started a book club and read more.
I made mac and cheese! (read about it here)
So many other things that I’m super proud of.
And I did it all while battling some serious Anxiety and Depression.
For some time now, I’ve gone back and forth about how personal I want this blog to be. And to be honest, I’ve shied away from writing about certain things because 1. I’m very private in my personal life and 2. I didn’t think anyone would care. But ya girl knows a little about analytics, and the more personal content that I try to stay away from, actually performs the best. So me shying away would be counterproductive.
I don’t want to be one of those internet people who constantly talk about their mental health, and quite frankly build entire brands around “sadness,” but even more so, I don’t want to be like the other ones who tout #selfcare all over Instagram as face masks, champagne, and luxury spa days – because although there are few things I love more than lavender essential oil infused EVERYTHING, latte art, and bubbly – self-care isn’t always that pretty. Most of my #selfcare actually meant being under the care of someone else, by going to therapy. The other part of it, was a whole lotta introspection.
Two things I noticed my anxiety caused me to do were:
1. Go super hard
2. Experience burnout
This showed up in a lot of ways throughout the year. I’d get on a gym kick or diet fad, go super hard for a month or two, and then get so burnt-out that I’d stop working out for weeks at a time. Another way it showed up was in the way I sought to control people/things/outcomes. I’m not a drill sergeant by any means, but I would find myself going super hard on (read nagging) others about completing tasks. Then, I’d be absolutely devastated when someone didn’t do what they said they would, and essentially made them feel shitty enough to do better. But I got burnt-out with that too, and relationships suffered.
I read the following excerpt from a Psychology Today article, and basically shouted, “@ ME NEXT TIME” to my computer:
The wish to control others is driven by high levels of internal anxiety. Rather than address those deep-seated fears at their source, controlling people project them onto their relationships, generating emotional pandemonium and instability by making others responsible for their discomfort.
In this way, the impulse to control serves a protective function against feelings of vulnerability, which controlling people associate with powerlessness. This is why they are often vigilant against appearing weak.
Look at me, being vulnerable.
Nearing the end of the year, at no shock to me, I was very much anxious about goals for 2019. Every time I thought about it, I’d literally get heart palpitations and be overcome with so many emotions that I could never sit still long enough to write anything down. On top of thinking about the year ahead, there were other things going on with my family and personal relationships, as well as my career that needed just as much – if not more – of my attention.
I had no idea what I wanted to accomplish in the New Year, but I knew I didn’t want it to be anything like the last one. In 2018, I felt like I was constantly trying to do so many things. Fix this, start that, try this. In a constant strain or fight. I decided that I want 2019 to be the opposite. I want to let go of things I can’t and shouldn’t try to control, and just go with the flow. I want everything to happen with ease.
So, here I am, almost two weeks into 2019, finally posting on this blog and not beating myself up about not updating weekly.
Tuesday, instead of working out I watched Netflix with a glass of wine and ate dairy-free Ben & Jerry’s that had so much sugar it’s practically impossible for it to be considered a “healthy alternative.”
Instead of some outrageous and overly optimistic fitness routine, I committed to working out 3x a week.
Instead of deleting every social media app from my phone, I enabled app limits to help cut down on how much time I spend in an endless scroll.
Truly doing everything with less stress and more ease, and if I happen to overachieve, even better :)
**To find a listing of mental health professionals across the country who provide high quality, culturally competent services to Black women and girls, visit therapyforblackgirls.com
